Let Us Entertain You

Below is the expanded version of an article that will be published in my column, "Say What!?!" on page 37 of the August, 2013 issue of The Vegas Voice Newspaper, which you should be receiving in your mail box within a day or two.

We thought we'd reprint it for those who may not get this free newspaper, which can easily be obtained and mailed to you each month, by simply calling The Vegas Voice at (702) 251-4441, and asking them to place you on their "VIP" mailing list.

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Man's Unconquerable Enemy..a Woman's Shoes 

Is there an argument no man can ever win?

Yes, there is....when in comes to a woman's shoes. 

 I guarantee any man who is married, that if a tidal wave were coming straight at you... if it came to choosing which should be "sacrificed"...every man better know how to swim, because the wife's shoes would survive, while the husband would be washed out to sea.

What is it about a woman and her shoes?  The male population will never understand.

Women need a pair of high heels, low heels, plain sandals, sandals with bobbles all over them, open toe, closed toe....in 1,200 different color combinations....all of which were acquired for one reason...

They were on sale !

"On Sale".... the two most hated words in the English language to every married man.  The words that every married man instead, interprets as  "How much did you spend this time?...the standard answer to which has to have been learned in some subversive girl school, none of us guys were ever informed of..

"but I want to look good FOR YOU".

They want to look "good to us"...and they believe the feet are going to be the big decider as to what is going to charge up the old batteries! 

The feet, those bumpy bunion blue or red or orange or green toenail painted things that look like little bent mutant fingers...as a result of wearing all those combinations for years...are the answer to every man's fantasy ! 

To us guys, you need a pair of clean sneakers and a pair of comfortable dirty ones.  Other than that, there is no further need, other than perhaps an old pair of dress "blacks" or "browns" to match the old suit, you'll be buried in....and that's only if the entire casket is open. 

Me? ...it's in the will...dirty sneakers on earth, and dirty sneakers to the hereafter.

My wife doesn't just have a place in a closet to keep them; she has a sacred "palace" within our home in which they reside...a shrine to every possible outfit she's ever purchased.

Over the years, as the outfits went out of style, they went out the door or to Goodwill, the Salvation Army, or to Savers (for the 25% discount); but not the shoes, they somehow always survived...and they know their place in the closet....it is theirs, and theirs alone...

...and beware to any man who tries to use part of the "palace" for something he likes...or can't find room if he exceeds his 5% closet allotment. 

Yes... you macho beasts...you are merely a guest...she rules, and the shoes are the color guard.

Just go into her "sanctum" and try to remove a pair.  Other than the ugly stares you'll seem to get from the rest of them as they peacefully sleep while awaiting the queen's pleasure, the wife will ALWAYS know if one is missing...ALWAYS !

Try it, guys.  Find a pair she hasn't worn since 1978, and hide them. My guess is that if the remaining pairs don't "rat you out", she WILL notice the "78s" are missing.

Or take one of your old sneakers and bury it amongst the "her highness's" space.

Guarantee....it won't take longer than a day and she'll be at your throat saying....

"Why don't you get rid of those old things?"  "They're ugly and they stink."

Well, I'm a guy, and us guys like "stink"...and..."old"...and an occasional hole in a pair..."so...our feet can breathe."

So...there ! 

Dick Arendt