A special thanks to a dear friend of mine, a former neighbor, who I've known for 40 years !
Thanks Tom !
Colonoscopy
Journal
ABOUT THE WRITER:
Dave Barry
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
I
called my friend a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.
A
few days later, in his office, he showed me a color diagram of the
colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then he explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.
I
nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000
FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I
left his office with some written instructions, and a prescription
for a product called 'MoviPrep'...
... which comes in a box large enough to
hold a microwave oven.
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for
now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the
hands of America 's enemies.
I
spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous.
Then,
on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that
day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with
less flavor.
Then,
in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.
You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm
water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about
32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.. This takes about
an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The
instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.'
This
is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep
is a nuclear laxative.
I don't want to be too graphic, here, but,
have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?
This is pretty much the
MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.
There are times when
you wish the commode had a seat belt.
You spend several hours pretty
much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.
You
eliminate everything.
And then, when you figure you must be totally
empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point,
as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After
an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The
next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.
I was very nervous. Not
only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
I was thinking, 'What
if I spurt on the doctor?
How do you apologize for something
like that?
Flowers would not be enough.
At
the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they
led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went
inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on
one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind
that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when
you are actually naked.
Then
a nurse named "Eddie" put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
already lying down.
Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
their MoviPrep.
At
first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it
to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose
Mode?
You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When
everything was ready, "Eddie" wheeled me into the procedure room, where the doctor was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.
I did not see
the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew he had it hidden around there
somewhere.
The doctor had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There
was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.
I remarked to the doctor that, of all the songs
that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing
Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You
want me to turn it up?' said the doc from somewhere behind me...
'Ha
ha,' I said.. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading
for more than a decade.
If you are squeamish, prepare yourself,
because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it
was like.
I
have no idea.
Really. I slept through it.
One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the
next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow
mood.
The doctors was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.
I felt excellent. I
felt even more excellent when he told me that It was all over, and
that my colon had passed with flying colors.
I have never been
prouder of an internal organ.
On
the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no
joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.
A
physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
And
the best one of all:
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
And I thought Andy Rooney was funny !
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