Sun City Anthem

Monday, September 30, 2019

Fall: The Time to Make Sure Your Trees and Shrubs Look Beautiful in the Spring & Summer

Las Vegas Fall Weather
The Best Time of Year to "Treat" Your Trees & Shrubs

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 "The Garden Wizard"

Baseball Season Begins Again with Post Season

Major League Baseball Post-Season Brackets
National League Wild Card Tonight

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"Let's Talk Sports"

Sunday, September 29, 2019

Looking Rosh Hashanah from a Caholic Point of View

A Catholic's Wish for
 Happy New Year
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"History & Holidays...Archives Page Ten"

Visitors Will No Longer "Fear" High Cab Fares in 2020

Cab Fares Will Soon Compete with Uber
McCarran to Strip Properties

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 "Henderson...Las Vegas...Nevada...Happenings"

Tuesday, September 24, 2019

Ripen an Avocado the Easy 10 Minutes

How to Ripen an Avocado in 10 Minutes

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"Why Didn't I Think About That ? ....Tips"
Archives...Page Two

Monday, September 23, 2019

Mr. Fix-It Says: Clean Compact Fluorescent Lighting

It's Important to Clean
Compact Fluorescent Lighting

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 "Mr. Fix-It's World of Home Improvement"

Sunday, September 22, 2019

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

A Tale of a Colonoscopy... Let Us Entertain You

A special thanks to a dear friend of mine, a former neighbor, who I've known for 40 years !

Thanks Tom !

Colonoscopy Journal 

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Image result for Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Dave Barry

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

I called my friend a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, he showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then he explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left his office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep'...

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... which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. 

You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. 

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(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. 

I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? 

This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. 

There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. 

You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  

You eliminate everything. 

And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

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After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. 

I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.

I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on the doctor?

How do you apologize for something like that? 

Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named "Eddie" put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. 

Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. 

Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode?

You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, "Eddie" wheeled me into the procedure room, where the doctor was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. 

I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew he had it hidden around there somewhere. 

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I was seriously nervous at this point.

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The doctor had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

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There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. 

I remarked to  the doctor that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said the doc from somewhere behind me...

'Ha ha,' I said.. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. 

If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. 

Really. I slept through it. 

One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

The doctors was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. 

I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when he told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. 

I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...  

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. 

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

    And the best one of all:

12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there''
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
And I thought Andy Rooney was funny !

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Monday, September 16, 2019

Floor Tiles Starting to Pop Up?

Got a Loose Tile?
Here's How to Fix It

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 "Mr. Fix-It's World of Home Improvement"

Just for Those Who Love Their Pets

Thank you Sun City Anthem resident, Dorothy Yu, for sharing this with Anthem Opinions.  

A Man Strolling with his Dog

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A man and his dog were walking along a road.

The man was enjoying the scenery when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.  He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road.

It looked like fine marble.

At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. 

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He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?”

“This is Heaven, sir,” the man answered.

”Wow! Would you happen to have some water?” the man asked.

”Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.” 

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The man gestured, and the gate began to open. 

“Can my friend,” gesturing toward his dog, “come in, too?” the traveler asked. 

”I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.”

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The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. 

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. 

There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. 

”Excuse me!” he called to the man. 

“Do you have any water?” 

”Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.” 

”How about my friend here?” the traveler gestured to the dog. 

”There should be a bowl by the pump,” said the man.

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. 

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The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. 

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. 

”What do you call this place?” the traveler asked. 

“This is Heaven,” he answered.

”Well, that's confusing,” the traveler said.

”The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.”

”Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? 


That's Hell.” 

”Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?”

”No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.” 

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Sunday, September 15, 2019

Restaurant or Golf Course? Given the Choice...Which One Would You Choose ? A Resident Editorial

Open Your Eyes Sun City Anthem
Yet Another Area Golf Course in Financial Difficulty

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Robert Lachford
Sun City Anthem Resident

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"Nevada Know How"

A Place Every "Local" Should Know !

Emerald Island Casino
A "Local's Delight"
Where Everybody Knows Your Name

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 "Henderson...Las Vegas...Nevada...Happenings"

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Clark County Increasing Sales Tax (Prelim)

Sales Tax to Increase January 1, 2020

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  "Henderson...Las Vegas...Nevada...Happenings"

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Know Your Washing Machine !

Some Safety Tips
Regarding Washing Machines

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"Keeping Our Neighborhood Safe"

Monday, September 9, 2019

Anthem Opinions: Looking at Residents as Individuals...Not Sheep to Be Led (Part Two of Two)

Striking Out Against  a Messenger 
By Avoiding the Message
Typical Behavior of Corruption
(Part Two of Two)

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Like a Glass of White Wine, but it's not Chilled?

A Quick Solution to Chilling White Wine
Freeze the Grapes

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"Why Didn't I Think About That ? ....Tips"
Archives...Page Two

Sunday, September 8, 2019

Looking at a Sun City Anthem Corruptive Force (Part One of a Two)

Striking Out Against a Messenger
by Avoiding the Message
Typical Behavior of Corruption
(Part One of Two)

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Mr. Fix-It: Know How to Find you Gas, Water and Electricity Shut-Off Values

Finding Your Shut Off Values

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 "Mr. Fix-It's World of Home Improvement"