As some of you know, I also write a column in The Vegas Voice, entitled "Say What !?!". As a columnist for that publication, I, like everyone else, am allowed a limited amount of space.
...But that restriction does not apply to Anthem Opinions.
As the saying goes, when you're the boss..."rank has its priviledge"...
... and I hope you will enjoy and relive some moments of your life in this expanded version of the article that will be on Page 37 of the July, 2013 edition which should be in your mail boxes on or about Wednesday, July 3rd.
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Tales of the Friendly Skies
Recently, after "tipping a few" with a few friends, somehow we got on the subject of airlines....and "fun" flights we'd experienced over our lives.
After all my ventures into "The Friendly Skies", one stands out above the others....
...in 1969...on my way home...
...after both basic training at Ft. Ord in California and medical training at Ft. Sam Houston while serving in Uncle Sam's service following a letter from President Nixon that began with the word, "Greetings"!
My triple major of Economics, Finance, & Marketing in obtaining my Business Administration degree from the University of Illinois...was finally being recognized...I was now a qualified medic !
It was my first leave; a short three days to get back to the Windy City Texas
It was a Friday night; and I boarded an ORANGE airplane....a Braniff orange airplane.
You don't see many ORANGE commercial airliners any longer, do you?
....and I have an idea as to why !
Off we went into the wild blue yonder from San Antonio, Texas on a rather bumpy flight until circling Chicago-O'Hare.
I was going home...
...to mom's cooking...
...to my own room that I didn't have to share with 60-70 other guys...
...to a hot private shower that I could lollygag for an hour if I chose to....
...without concern for polishing boots that would get filthy within a few minutes...
...without concern for getting yelled at by some guy who was 12 feet tall wearing a Smokey the Bear hat....and surrounding yourself with Rhode scholars...
...without concern if I took more than 5 minutes to devour a meal...
...without concern that I would have to wash pots and pans twice my size without Brillo.
...but with concern, that at mom's dinner table, I wouldn't say...
"Pass the F _ _k _ _ g butter"
(I had learned a new vocabulary in the Army...a requirement to gain acceptance amongst those who wore those Smokey the Bear hats).
Mom still had lots of Ivory Soap that she stored over the years for "language irregularities".
Yes indeed...I was going home to what just 4 months earlier, I had considered "normal", to that which I now considered...luxury !
Then...it happened.
The pilot came over the intercom making the statement, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have developed a slight problem with our landing gear; and we will ATTEMPT an emergency landing in Chicago
ATTEMPT ?
My immediate thought ?
"What the hell are you talking about....attempt?"
This wasn't an episode of "The Twilight Zone", I didn't see any little gremlins knocking on the window trying to enter the plane from 30,000 feet....this was REAL !
All I could think about was....
"Oh S _ _ T"
It couldn't go down on my way TO the army....no, after 4 months of "dignity"... it was going to crash on my way home... FROM it !!!!
It was the 60s, within 4 short months, I had gone from cool looking tanned, blond, LONG-HAIRED COLLEGE KID....
...to BALD ARMY PRIVATE....and was UGLY....REAL UGLY...
...and this was the way I was going to be plotted 6 feet under ?
"Oh S _ _T"
I looked over to the stewardess....ok, in those days they were all PRETTY GIRLS, and not called FLIGHT ATTENDANTS...
...to the one I had been flirting with during the flight while wearing my new "do" and OD (Olive Drab to you civilians) "duds" compliments of Uncle Sam... complete with bright yellow PRIVATE stripe on each shoulder...(told you I was cool)
...to the one I learned was a former "Miss Texas" .......a solid "10" on the Fox Meter, who despite my "handsome" appearance, said she'd love to have a drink with me when we landed....
"Oh S_ _ T"
...and saw this concerning "look" on her face that I interpreted as "My parents told me not to take this job".
We circled O"Hare, and prepared for our "attempted" landing.
Slowly, we rocked back and forth, and as I looked out the window....I saw a barrage of flashing red lights!
As we got closer to the ground, I realized these red lights were on top of ambulances awaiting our arrival.
"Oh S _ _ T"
"What a bummer," I thought, this was going to be IT....without having that drink with the "10”!
The Devil had been tempting me with thoughts of "the Mile High Club", and I had failed the test; and the good sisters from my Catholic education once told me, IMPURE thoughts would get you to the same place as the actual DEED.
"Oh S _ _ T"
After hitting the ground...again and again.... up, then down, then up, then down...
...we obviously made it...
...but after a quick thanks to the Almighty, we taxied to the gate, and as the plane came to a stop and the seat belt sign was turned off....
...in the spirit of being a good employee, the pilot got back on the intercom, and said....
"Thank you for flying Braniff, we hope you enjoyed your flight, and we look forward to serving you again in the future".
Miss Texas and I did eventually have that drink; as a matter of fact, we had more than one !
But I did learn a lesson....never fly on an ORANGE airplane…
...it’s a distraction from thoughts of The Mile High Club !
Dick Arendt
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